*Disclaimer this is a long one. It probably doesn’t make any sense but it is something I need to get off my chest. I feel accomplished now*
Realising you don’t like me
The day you put the phone down on me was the day I realised how little you thought of me. Growing up I had doted on you and I loved spending time with you. I expected this from her. She made no effort to hide her feelings from me. But you, I never expected it from you. They were always better than me and I knew it. Why wasn’t I good enough? Why did she want to spend more time with them than me? Years later I realised the problem was her not me.
I had always joked that you both reminded of The Buckets on Keeping up appearances. You did what you were told and you both wanted to appear to be more well off than you were.
They day it all went wrong
That day, the day you put the phone down was like any other day. Sharing, liking and commenting on my friend’s facebook posts oblivious to everything. She thought I was being spiteful because of the content I was sharing ( It was a giveaway she was hosting, she had made a tutu I think?). I wasn’t. That was why this all started. Looking back I think she was looking for any excuse for an argument. I phoned her to try and explain what I was doing. You answered the phone and said “She doesn’t want to speak to you” and then you hung up. You actually put the phone down on me. The last person on earth I thought would do that. You were always the diplomatic (or well you appeared to be).
Several months after we stopped speaking we all attended a family christening. I was pregnant with Arthur and on my own with Jack and Oliver (mark was at work). I spent the entire day trying to keep them occupied in the church or tending to them at the reception after. It would have been the perfect opportunity for you to come over to see me? or maybe say hello to the boys. You know your Great Grandchildren. But no. You ignored me and then left pretty sharpish and even made a passing comment that I didn’t say hello. I had my hands full.
Every Easter, Birthday, Christmas you would send the boys a card with £10 in. Why? I never understood why if your not talking to me? why would you send them cards? Ask any of my siblings and they would tell you I never wanted any of them! I was put in the positon where it was easier to just accept or it would cause endless arguments. I would still phone/email you to thank you on behalf of the boys. Towards the end I would email you but I never once got recognition that you received it. You did however mention several times to other people that you appreciated it. Never told me though.
I wrote an email I really wanted to send it to you both but I didn’t. The thought of how it would affect dad made me stop.
A few months later I remember seeing you at the shopping centre. I looked at you and you looked at me. I waved and you walked on past. It hurt! I posted on FB a small rant and had my dad message me not long after asking me to remove it. I did (not because I wanted too). Dad had said you didn’t see me and that you were old. I needed to make allowances, I think you did see me. I waved at you and you looked at me. (There has been only one other time we have spoken since)
Yet both of you were still sending cards/eggs to the boys. I sent you message on Facebook. It was me opening up the gates.
Just to let you know Jack’s birthday card is still at J. I can only assume they did not pass on the message at Easter. My children do not know who you are, so unless you want to spend actual physical time with them please stop sending cards/eggs. They much prefer making memories with those who care about them. Life is too short for fall outs or stubbornness.
Yeah maybe I didn’t express my feelings all they eloquently but you knew what I wanted. Did you take note? No. Did you try to be a apart of my boys lives? No. I was passed a message from you saying if I didn’t accept the card you wouldn’t bother sending anymore. Needless to say you decided you wanted nothing to do with the boys. I didn’t accept the card and you haven’t sent anything since.
Family celebrations are hard. I found it difficult to be in the same room as you two I think you both felt the same. Dad’s wedding and the entire side of his family were there. Not once did you try and make any communication with the boys. All your other grandchildren (bar T’s) you did.
Dad’s birthday meal was awkward. We ate at the opposite side of the restaurant never spoke a word. I didn’t want to be there but as it was dads birthday I had too. We left the restaurant at the same time we drove behind you. You took Dad home but something happened at the roundabout causing him to open his door. Your camera fell out and landed on the road. We stopped, picked it up and followed you back to Dads so I could give it to you. You thanked me. I think you were surprised that I returned it. Which made me realise how little you thought of me. I did return it. We spoke and you had said that you wanted to make amends. I explained I was more than happy to meet for coffee and we could start from there. Life is too short for fall outs and stubbornness. You agreed and said you would speak to her and let me know. 7 months on and I have given up waiting.
I spent the past 4 years supressing my feelings afraid I would be hurting others. I don’t care anymore I need to express my feelings.